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Ok so here it goes damn…..This all started on May 5th 2010 when I decided it would be a great idea to ask one of my best friends out to later realize that it was going to be an unforgettable experience which just leads into drama and whatnot. Anyways after that date it was 2-3 weeks before I had to go back to my country for the summer like I always and will always will do but not anymore since I’m probably going to end up moving back due to the fact that this country economy is shitty and my dad is somewhat of a douchebag. I think going back to my roots will be probably the best since I still have my old best friends who I still talk to and have been there for me unlike the ones that I made here which some have managed to deceive me as well as disappoint me except for one which Ill make sure he makes my mark stay. Back to this sit that I just needed to vent on when I really should be doing homework. I know you probably are thinking damn this is just another teen sob story..Well it kinda is and they are pretty common if you are a teenager or been one you know how much hell it is and was sometimes but other times it was the best times of your life haha. So I was having a blast those weeks in which almost every single day I would spent it with her and had some convos about me leaving her and she even told me not to trust her but you know I was a fool and loved her so I did it. Something that probably should’ve never done but tough me a lot. The summer wasn’t that bad at all until I started to realize that shit was up. I already have given my heart to this girl and now that I think about it may have been too soon but you know first love and shit I fell for this girl after 2 weeks but we were best friends since the second semester of school. And you know how you just might some people and your life changes completely well that happened to me. I wrote her a letter which was more like a chapter that I can’t but remember one sentence on those pieces of paper. Here’s where the lies begin and they don’t stop, honestly I don’t think they will ever do not until I do a resolution and that’s not happening any time soon until I can eat humble pie and realize how naive I was sometimes. But where was I? Oh yes of course the first summer. I would stay up talking to her and one of my best guy friends (which I made that school year) almost every single night for that summer. I would always try my best while I was over there for her not to forget me among other things but forgetting was the top. I had crazy fun in my country like always well until this last recent summer which wasn’t that great. Back to the important shit. A couple of weeks before going back I started seeing some shady shit going on with my best friend at the time I took no notice but then while I was browsing some of our chats on FB I had a feeling something was up apart our all nighter conversations were kinda off too. I decided to do some investigations and not after that my friend (at that time) started cracking. A couple days before I went back, 4 if I remember correctly he cracked. Told me how her and him hooked up and the whole story behind it which it wasn’t even the whole truth and I don’t think I will ever get the whole truth on that one but who cares. That’s the day that my heart began cracking. I wasn’t heartbroken just sad, sad that I would get betrayed like that. So unexpected that when it hit me it was like even though I knew it was somehow coming it still hurt like a bitch. She would not admit anything to this and I was like what the fuck…you Know? I still bought presents both of them after that shit happen, why I did it? I don’t even know myself or why I just didn’t give up that very moment. I decided that my best friend and his brother from my country come back with me the day that I was coming back and so they did. We came back one week before school starts which that would’ve been the 15th of august 2010. Worst most time wasting week ever… They day that I came back I flew in 10 hours earlier than my friends since they were on a different airline. I had to stay down in Miami until then but I had the most horrible anxiety feeling and I just wanted to go back to my city and see her just see her. Whoever reads this, have you ever had that one feeling that even though you know the truth you just want to lie to yourself and try to put your mind into everything but that but you end up doing it anyways and its the most shittiest feeling in your stomach. Well that’s what I had. Another huge problem that I had which I don’t regret but just feel so bad is that I gave my parents hell like never before for this girl and I disappointed them sometimes as well as myself luckily parents are parents and were there for me when I needed them which was A LOT of times haha. So I picked up my friends around 12 am and we had to drive 3 hours to my city when we got there it was 3 in the morning everyone especially my mother was tired and I still convinced her that I wanted to go see this girl and to drive me there which she did. I don’t know how to describe that moment when I went to her house and saw her then kissed her but it all felt weird even holding her but I paid no attention to my mind. That week it was such a mess me and my friends would sleep all morning and do whatever when we woke up and at night I would steal my moms car and drive to her house in which one of the nights her and him where there to talk to me. My best friends said that I should just screw the whole thing, kick the guys ass and leave but that wasn’t me. I foolishly decided to go talk to them and see what was up. It ended being the most useless and awkwardness convos ever. it did no good and it was stupid. Later to find out that after I left with my friends they ended up kissing afterwards :/. One of the days I invited her out to the beach in which she apparently confessed to my best friend that she pick me over this other guy. The rest of that night was okay I guess cause I got raped by mosquitos. I knew some of the stuff that went down and whenever I asked her she wouldn’t admit it because apparently she wanted me to have a “great summer” which obviously failed. Didn’t end up admitting it until a day before my friends left which now meant that I was alone in this shit. I fought for this girl for the next two months in which I kept getting hurt but still did it until one night apparently she chose me. You know I never gave her shit about it when I should’ve until recently. So after that we got into a “stable” relationship by that time it was September. On September 6 I took her virginity and even though I shouldn’t mention it. Its not that I’m proud but it was an honor that I was chosen in this because I knew the meaning of it. It wasn’t just sex. It was love’s greatest interaction. At this time there were lies already. I would always somehow go to her house even if I had to bike from my house to hers which was like 5 miles away. Even though I or her had problems I still go trough it and sometimes I went trough shit that I shouldn’t have but apparently I didn’t know that a girl turns into a bitch during some months of a long relationship but I should’ve know and I know that there were mistakes on my part but at least they were honest. There never was or is a good guy/ bad guy in this situation. Anyways around our 5th month together she finally told me she was in love with me and it wasn’t like what I expected since I kinda saw it coming so it was weird. By Christmas we were good but after it we went into a serious problem which was dealt with by march and its something that I can’t talk about but im not proud at all and with the recent feedback I got on it from this girl it made me felt like shit because she never told me that before…and If I were to know that maybe I would’ve changed my mind but then where would I be right now? So then this situation happened and we went on break because of retarded misunderstanding in where at first I had hope but then I just fucking wanted to get over it cause honestly it was the most meaningless most stupidest breaks of all that’s how I felt about it because while on break we would still see and do stuff with each other but she talked to this guy as if I didn’t exist and again I didn’t give her shit when I should’ve but I didn’t. Anyways we ended getting back together for our 1 year. that’s when it wasn’t the same. After we got back together it was not the same anymore I already had a tinge of difference going on but I just ignored it. Now it was summer again and honestly I didn’t think I would end up going back to my country but I did and I promised her I wouldn’t leave but what the hell was I supposed to do? My mother gave me like a week notice before leaving and this devastated her but I shall not mention why that is not up to me. So I thought this summer was going to be great but it ended up being okay. Again I just wanted to have some time with my old best friends but a lot of times I couldn’t do what I wanted because if I didn’t call this girl for one night shit would go haywire and that bothered the hell out of me but I still went along with it. At this point I didn’t even know what was going to happen but ended up going back to find out that she changed. Also along the summer she showed me the love that I wanted whenever I declared that I was in love with her but didn’t exactly get it. I missed her a lot just like the first summer we were apart it might have been greater that summer but I was just happy to see her again after that we ended up spending a great amount of time together which started to bother me because I wanted some time to myself. A problem that arose was that I changed but why did that matter now? Its not like she didn’t change. But the person that I am now hates that person even though it was not completely my fault. Oh yeah did I mention that I broke several promises to her? The three most important ones where, don’t leave me this summer, don’t walk away from me, and finally don’t drink or smoke. This are not excuses but reasons. The summer was completely unexpected. I had to walk away from her one night while she was crying because of my parents I felt like shit when I did and wished that I didn’t but everything happens for a reason and if you were there and knew the circumstances and the story then you would see it was different. Also along the 4-8 months we were together I would tell everything to a best friend which I made while I was a sophomore, I am now a junior. Apparently this new best friend of mine which was a girl was best friends with this girl when they were in elementary school but after that they kinda drifted apart because this girl ended up moving. One thing that I should’ve mentioned earlier was that this girl had a wasted childhood and no one should have to go trough what she did. She didn’t deserve it but whenever she would tell me this I would just think one thing and I’ve told her before that all that just made her….indestructible. She is also very stubborn but spontaneous. I am scared that if I start talking about her emotions might flood back in so I will keep it simple. She was amazing when I met her and she was amazing before I broke her heart. Which just means she will always be amazing. This leaves us on the latest 3 months which were hell we kept breaking up, having fights, making each others lives hell but there were some moments where it was like when we started and that’s what we wanted and were trying but by that time I was already into too many lies. One time we even ended up getting into a crash and it it wasn’t for her I would’ve freaked the fuck out. Anyways on one of our breaks she found out that I’ve been lying to her about smoking and drinking this made hell break loose but thought me that the quote hell hath no fury than a woman’s scorn is so fucking true. After that I apologized and got back together just to get into what don’t even know a word for it but it was done by her since I was vulnerable at the moment. After that we tried one more time before I decided to go kamikaze on the relationship. Even though she gave me shit about dumb stuff that meant a lot to her she lied to me about stuff that meant a lot to me too but like I said no good guy bad guy on this situation. Honestly I just lost my train of thought somewhere above and don’t even know what to keep writing so lets just say by now Blink 182 and other punk rock bands managed to make my life better. So on November 7th I think I decided that I didn’t want to hurt her any more before it got worse and that she should be happy so I was like I said done. Its been a week but it feels like a month and the only thing that I’ve learned is that love is dangerous. Were about to go into thanksgiving break and I don’t know what the fuck to do. When I talk to her there is so many fucking problems and misunderstanding that I just decided that if we ignore each other it would be for the best. Honestly I would try but she probably has giving up by now after all who wouldn’t? Even though we put each other trough for a lack of a better word shit at least we did it together which makes me smile. This is the most important part of this whole damn passage that I wrote at first just to vent but now to confess. And I don’t know if she will ever read this before I leave but if she does I would only want to make her smile and love is getting the best of me but truth be told you were the start of it all and before you go there’s something you should know that this is not the time for us to speak like this even if I had the thought id never dream of it. In a different time or place our words can make more sense because in this fucked up world our perfect future wouldn’t make it down. There were times were I laid and told you but you swear you loved me more and maybe we both did just at different points. Ill take what you’re willing to give and ill teach myself to live. And when were feeling scared, remember the time we shared, you know that it meant everything to me. I’m sorry for everything<3. The lies stop now. There is so much left unsaid but this is what mattered the most.
laying in bed eating crap has become part of my daily routine
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